The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Some of y’all tomorrow …
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?