That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
You Might Also Like
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
so much to do
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.