Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME