What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.