*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?