“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.