Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
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“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
What in the hipster hell is going on here
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance