If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Oops
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I need better friends
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.