Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.