My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
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Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
this will hang in the louvre one day
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO