[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂