Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
This is what makes twitter great
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.