“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I think they could have phrased this better
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.