Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.