Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider