Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.