One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
That earthquake could have been an email.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”