Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
You Might Also Like
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Well, this explains it:
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
the saddest jazz hands ever
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.