My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception