me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.