I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell