Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions