What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
i think we should see other cousins
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.