There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Choose your fighter
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Why font matters.