I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
concern
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
New tinder profile pic
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
You sure about that?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend