How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr