Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Feels like the fourth month in January
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..