Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism