Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I鈥檓 sorry I didn鈥檛 respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Twitter is for people who don鈥檛 like to poop alone.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What鈥檇 you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you鈥檇 checked my closet.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can鈥檛 help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i鈥檓 not gonna text him to ask him why bc i鈥檓 mature, i respect his boundaries and also he鈥檚 already blocked my number.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
me 2 months after i graduated
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 馃槀馃ぃ
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: it鈥檚 not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It鈥檚 just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it鈥檚 not illegal
Cop: no, no it鈥檚 not
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
*watches the world burn*
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
#ProTip
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can鈥檛 even get a girl to text me back
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.