I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x