*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.