You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I hope this email finds you in a well
WWE is French for “yes”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?