The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab