me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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I would move hell over six inches for you
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
You are not alone 💚
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Why are bridges so flammable.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”