Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
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“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
do what now??
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.