You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
This is always good for a laugh.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me