Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
This makes total sense…
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”