Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
You Might Also Like
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.