There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
nothing saves money like being antisocial
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho