All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet