If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…