dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”