Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
🍛
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
a lot to unpack here
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
They’re the worst 😩
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.