Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.