At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there