I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
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“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Bloody internet 😳
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture