I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Looking at you, Jesus.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?