I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Flock of bats
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.