waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.