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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
This could be us… but you playing
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it